An Excuse to Live

I was diagnosed with PD (Parkinson's disease) in December of 2005. At that time I struggled not to let my identity become "the missionary with PD." I thought it would be simple. I would just act as if the illness didn't exist. I put on a stoic face (that is a part of PD, the mask, which is a loss of  facial expression). It seemed easy enough to do. But as time has gone on the stoic approach has turned out to be a bad idea. It gave me an excuse to hide. It gave me an excuse to get lazy and to stop caring for people. It gave me an excuse to quit.

I imagine others feel this way. Any sort of chronic, debilitating disease can drain the life out of you. You start to look at what you have lost and forget about what you have. As symptoms get worse and you feel the effects more, the illness eats you up and you become the very thing that you swore you would not become.
All the while you think everyone sees you are not the same. That you are crumbling into the dust. But that is far from the truth. Because we personally feel it we think everyone sees it. But it is only our badly distorted view of our lives.

I write this not to get sympathy or attention but to encourage others and myself that if you look only at what has been taken away you will never see the good things the Lord Jesus has put in your life. I know. The depression I have had from PD is minor but I still have to battle it. It still looms like a dark storm in my rear view mirror from which the tornado can appear at any moment. It is exhausting to try to move forward when I am only looking back. My depression is much worse when my life seems to lie in the past and only struggle and death is ahead. I have come to the conclusion that this is nothing but my sinful nature rearing its ugly head. I start to grumble and complain like the Israelites in the desert who did not see the manna and quail for what it was, God's blessings. I overlook the good things God has given me just as the people of Israel did. It gives me an easy excuse to die.

But God has given me the perfect excuse to live. Living life as joyfully as I can. It is a lot more satisfying than giving up. Why should I, or any of us, rob ourselves of our future and cling so desperately to the past?
 
At a pastors and wives conference this past week, it dawned on me that God had somehow given me a relationship with all these families. They are reminders of the past when our friendships began but more so they remind of of the future. The chance to see them grow in Christ. See their infants become kids, then teenagers. They are now starting to have families themselves and God has given me a front row seat to their lives. Provided I don't decide to sit in the balcony. 

As Bev and I head to America for the first time in three years, I have been afraid of what I will find. Have we been gone too long? Why do I feel more like I am going on a short term mission trip? I am hearing the Lord tell me, "Be at peace." So I am getting excited about seeing family and friends again.

"I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

That is my excuse to live!