Monitors and radar dryers

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about the trials of traveling the highways of Uganda. I have come across a new trial to face. HIGHWAY MONITORS!

No, this is not a traffic officer with a radar gun or even a blow dryer. Here is a true story. A friend was stopped in Kenya by a traffic officer with a blow dryer who claimed it was a radar gun. The officer even pointed out the “proof” of overspeeding when he showed how the radar gun/blow dryer had switched itself from low to high. A definite indicator of speeding! My friend escaped a fine when he pointed out that the radar gun/ blow dryer wasn’t plugged in and there was no place for batteries. Can’t beat that logic.

No, the highway monitor I refer to is a five foot monitor lizard. (that’s five feet long not five footed) As we were returning home on the Lira-Soroti highway this monitor lizard came out of the swamp and started to cross the road in front of us. Since he stood about nine inches tall and weighed about 50 pounds which is big enough to do great damage to the car, I swerved to the right to avoid him but he kept coming.

Now you should know the only previous run in I have had with a monitor lizard was quite literal. I was upstairs in the apartment reading in my favorite chair when I noticed movement in the doorway. A two foot long monitor had come onto the porch and was eyeballing me. I looked at him and said “NO!” Evidently “NO” to a monitor does not mean the same thing as “NO” to a person. He charged straight at me so that I had to lift my feet up as he lunged for me with razor sharp fangs slashing the air mere millimeters from my heels. (Well that’s what it felt like anyway.) I avoided his charge which carried him into the spare room. Thinking quickly I closed the door behind him and did what any brave man would do. I called for my wife to come kill it.

Bev, being a Texas farm girl, is not frightened by any animal or lizard. She is a bit put off by spiders so our wedding vows included strict sections about who kills what in the house. I kill any eight legged creature in the house she kills all the rest. Since monitors are four footed (with exceptions to the five footed variety) I sent her into the room to kill it. After a momentous battle she emerged some 20 minutes later with a 3 inch gecko. I insisted there was a monitor and with a victorious smile and a nod toward the corner she said “Oh, that one” and told me to remove the intruder.

But now out on the highway without Bev I had to choose. Hit the lizard or run off the road into the swamp. Recalling Bev’s words of wisdom, “Always attack lizards, never retreat”, I attacked. The monitor, sensing my mood change, gave way. I missed him by ½ inch. It is the first time I can ever recall seeing a lizard walk backwards. But he did. A wise move.

The rest of the trip was uneventful with the exception of the usual potholes in Mbale.