The Red Eyed Monster

Ahem, that red eyed monster would be me. Or that would be me with jet lag. What else would get someone out of bed at 3:00 am when that very person just wants to sleep? That's right the international, trans-time-zonal afflicter of sleeplessness, jet lag.

My eyes are red, and puffy and I don't look good today. And there is good reason why this is happening. It is not noon as my body insists it is.  It is early morning and I should be asleep but no, I am up wondering why I am up.

I have to admit that there is an element of divine retribution. Many visitors to Jinja arrive in the same kind of condition that I am in. Unfortunately for them if they arrive on a Wednesday it means they will attend evening Bible study and I see them struggle to stay awake but they just can't do it. I get a laugh watching their faces contort trying not to yawn and I chuckle when their faces slowly slide into a vacant expression that can only indicate peaceful, bliss filled rest. And then I ask a question watching heads snap back as they try to appear awake but it is no use. They are out. The lights are on but nobody is home!

 I  understand their problem better now. 

Once, having come back to the USA with a massive head cold and jet lag, the friends we were staying with took us to their favorite restaurant. I was wearing an old baggy gray sweater that had grease stains all over it, (it was the only warm clothing I had) and I got up to go to the rest room. Two little old ladies were just coming out of the women's side. They saw me, gasped, grabbed one another and backpedaled into the ladies room. I thought, "My that was strange." Normally I don't have that effect on little old ladies. I wondered what was up with them.  I hadn't considered my looks as a factor. But peering into the mirror I saw just how bad I looked. Going back to my table I had to pass these two again. I decided to apologize for frightening them. Of course I didn't look any better and because of the massive head and chest cold when I spoke all than came out was a low raspy noise which sounded like Clint Eastwood saying, "Do you feel lucky? Do ya, punk?" and a cat fighting with a chainsaw. Their eyes grew wide with fear and they literally ran from the diner.

Telling Bev what had happened she told me that I should probably save all greetings and subsequent apologies until after I had shaved, combed my hair and my eyes had least some white return to them. A very wise woman, she is.

Now I just have to go wake her up and ask her for more advice. On second thought maybe I'll wait til morning.

An Excuse to Live

I was diagnosed with PD (Parkinson's disease) in December of 2005. At that time I struggled not to let my identity become "the missionary with PD." I thought it would be simple. I would just act as if the illness didn't exist. I put on a stoic face (that is a part of PD, the mask, which is a loss of  facial expression). It seemed easy enough to do. But as time has gone on the stoic approach has turned out to be a bad idea. It gave me an excuse to hide. It gave me an excuse to get lazy and to stop caring for people. It gave me an excuse to quit.

I imagine others feel this way. Any sort of chronic, debilitating disease can drain the life out of you. You start to look at what you have lost and forget about what you have. As symptoms get worse and you feel the effects more, the illness eats you up and you become the very thing that you swore you would not become.
All the while you think everyone sees you are not the same. That you are crumbling into the dust. But that is far from the truth. Because we personally feel it we think everyone sees it. But it is only our badly distorted view of our lives.

I write this not to get sympathy or attention but to encourage others and myself that if you look only at what has been taken away you will never see the good things the Lord Jesus has put in your life. I know. The depression I have had from PD is minor but I still have to battle it. It still looms like a dark storm in my rear view mirror from which the tornado can appear at any moment. It is exhausting to try to move forward when I am only looking back. My depression is much worse when my life seems to lie in the past and only struggle and death is ahead. I have come to the conclusion that this is nothing but my sinful nature rearing its ugly head. I start to grumble and complain like the Israelites in the desert who did not see the manna and quail for what it was, God's blessings. I overlook the good things God has given me just as the people of Israel did. It gives me an easy excuse to die.

But God has given me the perfect excuse to live. Living life as joyfully as I can. It is a lot more satisfying than giving up. Why should I, or any of us, rob ourselves of our future and cling so desperately to the past?
 
At a pastors and wives conference this past week, it dawned on me that God had somehow given me a relationship with all these families. They are reminders of the past when our friendships began but more so they remind of of the future. The chance to see them grow in Christ. See their infants become kids, then teenagers. They are now starting to have families themselves and God has given me a front row seat to their lives. Provided I don't decide to sit in the balcony. 

As Bev and I head to America for the first time in three years, I have been afraid of what I will find. Have we been gone too long? Why do I feel more like I am going on a short term mission trip? I am hearing the Lord tell me, "Be at peace." So I am getting excited about seeing family and friends again.

"I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

That is my excuse to live!

Down The Drain

When I first came to Uganda I was very curious as to which way the water would spiral down the drain at the equator. I took it upon myself to test it when I had an opportunity. Since Bev and I only had a shower with no tub I had to do preliminary tests in the kitchen sink. These tests were inconclusive as every time I would attempt this experiment in physics one of the staff members would come in and ask what I was doing.

I love the people here dearly but they really don't have a desire to perform sophisticated drain water spiral analysis as I do. They would walk up to me and ask what was wrong with the sink. "Nothing" I'd reply. To which their answer would always be, "Good, I was afraid you had broken it." (I've always had the suspicion that my wife had told them to say that.) I would then be forced to defend myself and humbly mention that I was the one who fixed everything around here. I can still see the smirk on Bev's face when J.B. slowly pointed at the six ongoing repair projects in the kitchen and said "Like those?" In my defense, those things would have eventually been fixed, if parts had been available.

But finally after 6 months my opportunity came when Bev and I were asked to house sit for some friends. They had no shower, just a bath. So my first experiment in June of 1998 gave conclusive proof that at the summer solstice the water at the equator spirals the same direction as in America. Subsequent tests during the winter solstice showed the water spiraled the other direction. Further test on the spring and fall equinoxes showed that the water doesn't spiral at all but goes straight down the drain. I was so excited about these last findings that I immediately emailed my twin brother, Jim. I still remember his excited response, "You didn't break the tub did you?"

But the most important thing I learned from this is to be happy that the sink drains or the toilet flushes at all.

Homes in Uganda have three styles of toilet. The third world squat style which is little more than hole to a pipe with water in it. Effective but messy.

The US style, which has the tank mounted on the back of the throne, is better. The problem with this style is the African siphon valve used to flush it. They don't work well and many times to flush it you must pump the handle continually until it flushes and then there is not enough water to finish the job or it never flushes and you pump the handle until the water is gone. At this point the water is over and you must wait to try your luck again once the tank is filled. If you try again too soon it will not flush and you have to try yet again. I believe the ancient library in Alexandria began as a restroom and had instructions on how to flush the toilet. This expanded in size with the addition of How-to-books on flushing until the library was formed or the thing finally worked. This tradition carries on today in most American homes.

The third type is the two piece throne and tank. To function properly the tank must be precisely 105 millimeters above the throne. It never does because it never is. This style of loo is readily identifiable by the bucket of water next to the toilet. You just pour it in the bowl and your trouble is over. Plus it also works as a calendar, provided you watch which way the water goes down.

Is It Getting Darker... Or Is It Just Not As Light?

As I grow older it seems that my eyes are not as good as they used to be. I can't run in the predawn darkness like I did ten years ago because I just can't see the potholes anymore. (Not to mention that I am completely out of shape.) The dark I referred to is physical darkness. The absence of light.

Africa just seems to steal the light. Ask any newcomer to this continent about driving at night and they will insist that car headlights here are not as powerful as they are elsewhere. Unless of course they are aimed directly in your eyes. Then they are too bright!

So my question now is, "Is it getting darker or is it just not as light?" This is a spiritual question not a physical one. Here is what I mean.

Jesus told us "You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven." Mt.5:14-16

So many of us come here from the western world and forget that we are to bring light. We are to chase the darkness away not make it darker. How do we "lights of the world" fail to do this? We live like the world does.

When we come to a different culture we have to respect that culture's values except where those values conflict with the Bible. An example from here is drinking alcohol. Born again Christians are not allowed to drink. It just is not accepted here. It may be fine in Germany, England, USA or elsewhere but it is not here. When we do this, people see good works as bad works and the light turns to darkness.

Our style of dress can be the thing that steals our light. If a girl's clothing shows an overabundance of skin on the legs or chest even though it might be considered modest, stateside, no one will listen to her no matter how well she shares the gospel or glorifies God in other areas of her life.

Obscene language is just as obscene here as there so leave it there or the darkness starts to encroach.

But just as the car headlights in you eyes make it impossible to see, so our light can do the same to those in the dark. Public displays of affection are not approved here. The President said last week that if he kissed his wife in public he would never win an election.

But we western Christians come and kiss in public and put hands where they don't belong and wonder why no one takes us seriously when we teach on sexual immorality. Our "enlightened" light then blinds those around us.

Homosexuality is a case in point. The western governments are trying to force Africa to accept and ultimately embrace homosexuality. This is not just culturally wrong it is biblically wrong. The light goes completely out when we make the biblical error as well as the cultural error.  Our western view of tolerance has made too many lights for Christ become dim and the darkness will fast overtake the light if we don't live in the light.

Then Jesus said to them,"A little while longer the light is with you.Walk while you have the light, lest darkness overtake you; he who walks in darkness does not know where he is going, While you have the light, believe in the light, that you may become sons of light."
 
Is it getting darker or is it just not as light?

What Defines Us?

I was talking with a dear brother in Christ this week and our conversation ended up with a question. Where do we find our identity? What makes me, me? Unique to myself but still connected to the rest of mankind.

One person might answer "I find myself in what I feel." The problem with this thought is that emotions and feelings are tricky things that can change like the weather. If I only find myself whenever I "feel" alive then my life would only be a series of emotional highs and lows and at the very bottom I may wish to give it all up. There is no guarantee that I'll ever have another emotional high so I might want to quit while I am ahead. Go out on top! But then life would be something of a high stakes craps game. But like the dice game, either a pair of ones, the lowest, or a pair of sixes, the highest, still put you out of the game. That forces us to live to the most average median number or emotional state. Hardly how we want to be defined, Mr. Average.

Another man might say that what defines me is my work. Western men in general define themselves this way. I'm Bob-accountant. Phil-mechanic. Larry-cook.  If our passion is our work, it starts well but when you cannot do what defines you anymore then why go on living. This is why so many men soon die after their retirement. They are totally lost without the definition of worth that work gives them.

Still others find their definition in relationships. Marriage can bring definition. Bev and I once took a trip to Kenya and since she booked everything the name was under Beverly. So everyone we met called me Mr. Beaverly. That name stuck with me for five years! I don't mind being connected with my wife and I hope she feels the same. But will we only be described as, "He's the guy that has the great wife." "She's the one who has that quiet husband."

Some find their definition in their physical ability, what I can do. I am a runner, a tennis player, a cripple, a Parkinson's patient or whatever else ails us. Too often we end up here. Defining our existence by the strength and abilities of our bodies. When we do this, degenerative diseases or cancer or whatever else we face becomes our label. It is constant struggle for me not to define myself by my disease. I am more than that.

Some insist it is their reputation that defines them. How others see them. Sin or righteousness that will define us. "He is such an evil man." Or "Such a good man." This too has its drawbacks as the good man or evil man will often be labeled according to his latest act. Good or evil. By what standard do we measure it. Who of us is objective enough to apply the standard of good or evil, in a fair and timely manner?

Is it our sin that defines us? Is it our drunkenness, our uncontrolled tongue. Is it our sexual immorality, whether heterosexual or homosexual, that says who we are? We must be more than the things that hold us in bondage.

Of all the ways we can find ourselves the only true way is in Jesus Christ. Our relationship with God through His son Jesus is the only accurate definition we will ever have of ourselves. That is because of God's unchanging nature. The best definition we can have is "child of God". And we define ourselves not with pride 
but true humility.

When we allow our lives to be defined by Jesus we now find our true worth. Ephesians 1:5 says we are  adopted sons of Jesus, or through Jesus adopted as sons of God the Father. Here is where I am really defined. And this should be what is said about all of us. we are holy and blameless; redeemed by His blood; our sins forgiven, having wisdom and understanding, together with God under heaven.

Now what defines me will not change. The immutable God has put His definition on me by means of His true son, Jesus. I am predestined to bring God glory. That is His will for my life and all men's lives. Living  to know our Creator, our Savior, our God. Living to show Him holy, full of grace and love. Patient and abounding in love.

What defines me? Not what I feel, not what I do, not who I married. My true definition is I am me because God loves me. What makes me, me is Jesus Christ in me.  Any other answer misses God's purpose for why we were created. Find yourself today!

How Long Does It Take To Do Nothing?

 Bev was gone for two days with all the women staff teaching a women's seminar at one of the village churches.  So being a caring husband with nothing to do I thought I would clean the house for her. But where to start? I decided to start with my desk. It is visible from every part of the house. That is, when it is visible. As of late it has been MIA (missing in action) or MUP (missing under paperwork).

Now finding my desk was easy, I just backtracked the computer wires from the wall socket to the large pile of paper in the corner of the room. Sure enough there was a desk under the mound of paper.  Realizing I needed a bigger trash can I left the desk and went to the back yard. Turning off the light reminded me that it needed a new bulb. So I put the cleaning project on hold for 15 minutes. Setting the step stool in place I removed the globe and bulb but the socket itself came out in pieces. This is to be expected since Uganda is the dumping ground for every cheap electrical, plumbing or automotive part in the world. I wisely keep spares on the "shelf".

Other homes have the junk drawer, we have the "shelf". It is like the junk drawer but much larger and more disorganized.  35 minutes after my search began I found the spare socket. Of course the shelf was cleaner by the time I found what I was looking for. Now back to the light. Elasped time since the start: 55 minutes.

Removing the two screws that hold the lamp fixture in place I discovered that the the fixture can't be removed since the mason had plastered it in place. So back to the shelf to get more tools then find a real ladder. I spent the next hour chipping and scraping away plaster so the fixture could come out. Then comes the discovery that even though the old and new parts were from the same company and bought at the same time from the same little guy at the market they are completely different. So now begins the modification process to make the new part fit. This process takes another hour. This isn't going as easily as expected. 2:45 into the desk cleaning/light bulb changing project, I have not finished one task yet.

Finally with the light fixture repaired and in place I go back to the shelf to get a caulking gun to seal up the edge of the fixture. This must be done to keep out the geckos. Unfortunately the caulking gun explodes as I am testing it in the kitchen. Now with caulk everywhere I have to clean the kitchen but since my hands are covered with caulk I decide to wait because it would not be good for me to ruin Bev's kitchen towels with caulk while cleaning my desk. That of course is not quite the way it happened but that is how it would sound. 

So going back to the light, I finally get it all sealed up and working. Elapsed time 4:30. Then I clean the kitchen. If I am going to clean the kitchen I might as well do it right. So it is no surprise that ninety minutes later George finds me cleaning tomato sauce spots off the faces of friends whose pictures are hung on the refrigerator a little too close to the stove. I guess I will have to get new pictures since some of the faces now look like they are suffering from leprosy. Perhaps new pictures will replace the visual in my head of dear ones without noses and chins.

After explaining to George how my morning and early afternoon went I get back to my desk and finish cleaning it. It is now 3:30pm. Eight hours and fifteen minutes after starting. The desk is clean, the kitchen is clean, the light in back of the house works.
If I could only find where I put the trash can it would be a perfect day of doing nothing.

A Difficult Season

There are times and seasons in life as we learn in Ecclesiastes 3:1 "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven."  The last three months have been a difficult and dry season for me personally.

While the ministry has been having a fruitful season I have struggled. On the July 31st Bev was shot at during an attempted armed robbery. God spared her life and only some bullet and glass fragments entered her eye. These are microscopic shards and the fear is that they will move and cause damage. She flew home to America and the doctors could only shake their heads in wonder and amazement that she has no real loss of eyesight. We praise our Lord, Jesus, who restores sight to the blind but also protects the sight of those who can see. Jesus is with us in all trials protecting us, guiding us and giving us strength to endure all situations.

Not having Beverly here for 3 weeks was difficult. We have become such a team the last few years. She is always there to help and assist me that I can sometimes take her for granted. But she is now back and we are facing new challenges all the time.

I am losing the ability converse with people. Things of daily interest just don't come to mind now. Where I have always been quiet it now takes an all out effort to enter into a conversation.  I can teach but the ebb and flow while talking to a friend is not there.

After the robbery attempt, trusting others and not looking at every stranger as an enemy or potential thug has caused strain in all of our relationships. Who can and do you trust? God is there but it is just harder to see Him in others!

Sickness has made this a more trying time. In the last three months I have had two strong colds, a tough case of malaria and a bacterial infection in my lungs. Even as I write this the infection still refuses to heal. I am tired and weak and Bev is getting weary looking after me.

But good things are there as well. George and Luan Fellman have come from the western side of the country to help with the Ministry. This is an answer to lots of prayers over many years. George can give me relief from some of my physical duties and Luan can take the strain off Bev.

Isaac and Clea Wootton will join us in December and will take over the School of Ministry and some other duties. That takes away five hours of daily work. Connie Cross, Clea's mother will also be coming and help carry part of the load. All this is great. So what is the problem?

I have become so focused on work, what I do, and how I serve the Lord that I have started to struggle with how to "Love the Lord your God."  It now seems that if I can't serve the Lord to the exact measure that I did in the past, I have become worthless.

Our clinic in Ogongora is struggling to make ends meet. The people want the services and medicines for free. Many would pay if they could, but they cannot. 70% of the monthly charges do get paid but it still leaves a hole. God has been more than faithful to supply but I don't want to take God's gracious provision and then say it is not enough. Therein lies the challenge. To trust God, to let God work according to His plan but also to follow Him and work according to the pattern He has shown us even when we are not sure of the provision.

At the end of it all we endure the difficult seasons for we know that Jesus will get us through even if we do not know how. Psalm 27:13-14 "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."